Sem Lockdown, Day 1
“Good evening, fellow citizens of planet Sem. Hope the current lockdown is treating you well. This is Captain Tristan Kearney of the Rising Star Battalion, your youngest military air fleet, here to keep you entertained and informed during the military’s best efforts to slow the crāpulavirus outbreak. My team and I have been posted in Alpha Radio Station 1 and will provide updates on our situation everyday between 1800 and 1900 hours, before the rise of the second moon. Listening is obligatory, but we will try to keep it as light, breezy and hip as possible... Apologies, my co-pilot, and navigator, is in the corner shaking her head at me.
Our team is as follows: myself, Captain Tristan Kearney; my second-in-command, Kain Douglas; my strategist, Miles Schäfer and my afore-mentioned navigator and co-pilot, Akira Akiyama. Over the course of tonight’s segment, you should get to meet them all.
So, here’s what we know: Crāpulavirus was first contracted by humans living on Sem over a hundred years ago. Our ancestors who discovered this planet must have been rather embarrassed to arrive here and immediately get struck down by nausea and excessive jumping, but they powered through it and thus, here we all are today, facing a more severe strain. Other symptoms include headaches, nausea and sudden hair colour change. The virus originates from our noisy neighbouring planet, whose name best translates as “Angst! Liberty! Freedom! *and booze” and is spread via any sort of interpersonal contact (including kissing), absorption of keratin particles and late night partying. This particular strain of the virus can survive on surfaces up to seventy two hours.
While we are on lockdown for a month, the military’s advice is to stay indoors as much as possible. However, those who wish to stand in their gardens during excessive bouncing fits may feel free to do so. Do not panic buy, but be kind and purchase an extra roll of toilet paper for your neighbours should you know them to be suffering from the virus. If you... If any mess does get made, please dispose of it and clean your surfaces as best you can. Also, you have been warned, absolutely no late night partying is to take place anywhere. Please avoid any sort of interpersonal contact within and outwith your household as much as you can.
I shall now pass you onto Kain Douglas with today’s current affairs.”
“I’d love to say it’s a pleasure to be here but, let’s face it, we’d all rather I wasn’t. Anyway, I’m Kain Douglas and the first item on today’s agenda is: aliens. Most of you are probably unaware, but we are currently under foreign invasion not just by the current pandemic, but also by aliens from Sterculius. Do not worry, the Sterculian race is harmless and their leaders are merely insistent on our purchase of the Universe’s Smelliest Cheese. However, they are having an unprecedented level of difficulty comprehending that we are on lockdown due to an unfortunate language barrier. And, of course, our head translator is sick. Worst case scenario, the stench from the ships they have hovering in our airspace will descend to ground level. The smell, if this were to happen, would be rather unpleasant to say the least and, on the basis that it would cause further nausea to the citizens of Sem, we may also find this grounds to claim breach of the peace.
However, indoors is the best place to avoid the smell and that is where we should all be. The rest of the items I was sent by higher up the chain of command were mostly crāpulavirus related, so I’ve decided to sift through them and only give you the ones I deemed to be the most worthy of sharing with you, though you’ll be able to find any information I’ve missed on aaa.qrrrsb.alphanetsem.
First and foremost, a person has died today while having a bouncing fit on the road. Please, if you are experiencing crāpulavirus symptoms, stay indoors and only go outside if you have a garden or a field or a trampoline or something. Excessive bouncing fits on roads can be very dangerous.
In other news, the healthcare system is coping unbelievably well with serious cases and the people of Sem have kept in very good spirits. A video has been posted online of a woman standing outside on her balcony and singing to her screaming baby who was grizzly and symptomatic. Everyone around her joined in and well, if you haven’t seen the video, I highly suggest you give it a watch. I’m not really a singing sort of a guy but, I’ll admit, I did join in... And the rest of my team heard me which was really embarrassing. Anyway, I’ll pass you over to Miles Schäfer with the current healthcare strategy report.”
“Yes, Kain’s singing is um... An unusual listen...
Good evening, to you all. I’m Miles Schäfer, strategist here at the RSB. I’m aware you’ll be wanting to get back to business now, so I’ll keep this brief. Keep your hands and surfaces clean. Do not touch your face. Do not go outdoors unless you are going out for exercise or to the shops. New guidelines on reasons for leaving your home shall be brought out tomorrow. Make sure to stay in touch with your loved ones as, let’s face it, you can do so from any screen in your house. Do not, however, plan any late night parties of any sort and please keep physical interpersonal contact to a minimum. Stay safe, stay well, stay in.
That’s all from me.”
“Hello, this is Akira Akiyama, navigator and co-pilot. I’ll be taking the weather segment of the RSB’s daily broadcasts. I’m more used with dealing with the physical “meteor” part of meteorology, but I’m more than equipped to handle the weather report.
In the North and South Poles, the weather will be cold and dry, while the West Pole should be a bit warmer. In Secat, the weather will be sunny and dry, perfect for growing vegetables. Not so good for any old-model wireless grass cutters though. If you’d like to keep yours live, please keep it isolated indoors with the rest of your household. Piscanturia and Simul Saltu will both be rainy, I’m afraid. Wear a jacket if you’re going out and remember, all modern editions do have a Hazmat function. Please employ it.
Lastly, as I am new to delivering ordinary weather reports, please let me know the areas as to which I can improve. There is a suggestions page on the website. If you do wish more information on the weather, I’ll be publishing a full report with anything I have missed on aaa.qrrrsb.alphanetsem. Now I shall pass you back to my Captain, Tristan Kearney, who has picked a song to play us out this evening.”
“Thanks to my team for putting their effort into tonight’s first broadcast. This is not an easy job for us, but we are up to the challenge and would very much appreciate hearing some feedback from you all online. To refer back to my colleague, Miles’ words from earlier: stay safe, stay well, stay in.
Thank you all for your attention and co-operation, and I shall leave you with my all-time favourite opening from an Earthling sci-fi series.
Goodnight fellow citizens, take care.”
https://youtu.be/_D0ZQPqeJkk
Our team is as follows: myself, Captain Tristan Kearney; my second-in-command, Kain Douglas; my strategist, Miles Schäfer and my afore-mentioned navigator and co-pilot, Akira Akiyama. Over the course of tonight’s segment, you should get to meet them all.
So, here’s what we know: Crāpulavirus was first contracted by humans living on Sem over a hundred years ago. Our ancestors who discovered this planet must have been rather embarrassed to arrive here and immediately get struck down by nausea and excessive jumping, but they powered through it and thus, here we all are today, facing a more severe strain. Other symptoms include headaches, nausea and sudden hair colour change. The virus originates from our noisy neighbouring planet, whose name best translates as “Angst! Liberty! Freedom! *and booze” and is spread via any sort of interpersonal contact (including kissing), absorption of keratin particles and late night partying. This particular strain of the virus can survive on surfaces up to seventy two hours.
While we are on lockdown for a month, the military’s advice is to stay indoors as much as possible. However, those who wish to stand in their gardens during excessive bouncing fits may feel free to do so. Do not panic buy, but be kind and purchase an extra roll of toilet paper for your neighbours should you know them to be suffering from the virus. If you... If any mess does get made, please dispose of it and clean your surfaces as best you can. Also, you have been warned, absolutely no late night partying is to take place anywhere. Please avoid any sort of interpersonal contact within and outwith your household as much as you can.
I shall now pass you onto Kain Douglas with today’s current affairs.”
******
“I’d love to say it’s a pleasure to be here but, let’s face it, we’d all rather I wasn’t. Anyway, I’m Kain Douglas and the first item on today’s agenda is: aliens. Most of you are probably unaware, but we are currently under foreign invasion not just by the current pandemic, but also by aliens from Sterculius. Do not worry, the Sterculian race is harmless and their leaders are merely insistent on our purchase of the Universe’s Smelliest Cheese. However, they are having an unprecedented level of difficulty comprehending that we are on lockdown due to an unfortunate language barrier. And, of course, our head translator is sick. Worst case scenario, the stench from the ships they have hovering in our airspace will descend to ground level. The smell, if this were to happen, would be rather unpleasant to say the least and, on the basis that it would cause further nausea to the citizens of Sem, we may also find this grounds to claim breach of the peace.
However, indoors is the best place to avoid the smell and that is where we should all be. The rest of the items I was sent by higher up the chain of command were mostly crāpulavirus related, so I’ve decided to sift through them and only give you the ones I deemed to be the most worthy of sharing with you, though you’ll be able to find any information I’ve missed on aaa.qrrrsb.alphanetsem.
First and foremost, a person has died today while having a bouncing fit on the road. Please, if you are experiencing crāpulavirus symptoms, stay indoors and only go outside if you have a garden or a field or a trampoline or something. Excessive bouncing fits on roads can be very dangerous.
In other news, the healthcare system is coping unbelievably well with serious cases and the people of Sem have kept in very good spirits. A video has been posted online of a woman standing outside on her balcony and singing to her screaming baby who was grizzly and symptomatic. Everyone around her joined in and well, if you haven’t seen the video, I highly suggest you give it a watch. I’m not really a singing sort of a guy but, I’ll admit, I did join in... And the rest of my team heard me which was really embarrassing. Anyway, I’ll pass you over to Miles Schäfer with the current healthcare strategy report.”
******
“Yes, Kain’s singing is um... An unusual listen...
Good evening, to you all. I’m Miles Schäfer, strategist here at the RSB. I’m aware you’ll be wanting to get back to business now, so I’ll keep this brief. Keep your hands and surfaces clean. Do not touch your face. Do not go outdoors unless you are going out for exercise or to the shops. New guidelines on reasons for leaving your home shall be brought out tomorrow. Make sure to stay in touch with your loved ones as, let’s face it, you can do so from any screen in your house. Do not, however, plan any late night parties of any sort and please keep physical interpersonal contact to a minimum. Stay safe, stay well, stay in.
That’s all from me.”
******
“Hello, this is Akira Akiyama, navigator and co-pilot. I’ll be taking the weather segment of the RSB’s daily broadcasts. I’m more used with dealing with the physical “meteor” part of meteorology, but I’m more than equipped to handle the weather report.
In the North and South Poles, the weather will be cold and dry, while the West Pole should be a bit warmer. In Secat, the weather will be sunny and dry, perfect for growing vegetables. Not so good for any old-model wireless grass cutters though. If you’d like to keep yours live, please keep it isolated indoors with the rest of your household. Piscanturia and Simul Saltu will both be rainy, I’m afraid. Wear a jacket if you’re going out and remember, all modern editions do have a Hazmat function. Please employ it.
Lastly, as I am new to delivering ordinary weather reports, please let me know the areas as to which I can improve. There is a suggestions page on the website. If you do wish more information on the weather, I’ll be publishing a full report with anything I have missed on aaa.qrrrsb.alphanetsem. Now I shall pass you back to my Captain, Tristan Kearney, who has picked a song to play us out this evening.”
******
“Thanks to my team for putting their effort into tonight’s first broadcast. This is not an easy job for us, but we are up to the challenge and would very much appreciate hearing some feedback from you all online. To refer back to my colleague, Miles’ words from earlier: stay safe, stay well, stay in.
Thank you all for your attention and co-operation, and I shall leave you with my all-time favourite opening from an Earthling sci-fi series.
Goodnight fellow citizens, take care.”
https://youtu.be/_D0ZQPqeJkk
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